I’m trying to tell you this to communicate, I can’t make any emotion meet my face. I draw a silver spoon,  ladle down on my leg, following the chinese/vietnamese dye lines in the jeans someone else bought. I glance down at a bowl of noodles, lukewarm. The big, commanding bowl with his melancholy vegetables, a big crack breaks up the drought.

I don’t feel like it’s enough. The methods and the plans and the constructs. Work and work and work and call it life. Pursuits and goals that run on empty. Were it a vase, I’d poor just enough water as its contents to make it sparkle; then I’d smash it.

I remember that time when I was on the playset laughing and Laughing and LAUGHING. You bounced the reigns of the swing, and I giggled violently. happy Happy HAPPY, where have you gone? The big worms in the cement cracks haven’t come out and it’s rained twice this spring. Smearing the powdered edge of the driveway on my face, puppy dog spots for fun.

The friends that you had, the ones that left you over tictactoe drawn on the sidewalk when the cat didn’t claim it’s tell-tale prey, and you were the victor. Walking into the first floor, Lifetime movies, soap operas. Making a fake luncheon from an art easel/lap desk/ tv table, microwave meal, and easy bake oven appliances. Showing you I can do it.

But there’s that blank look that lays across my head after a transmit sneaking up the right side of my body tells my central nervous system to care, but it just isn’t stimulated enough. enough Enough ENOUGH.

I haven’t had enough. I have had  enough.

I close my eyes when I feel the ship sinking, deeper, deeper Every muscle is tense now and it pulsates with truth, if I listen I can hear my mind. It says: “Fix me, fix me, fix me…” to infinity. Several waves crashing through my body, effervescing, rising, and falling. When I open my eyes, only the tips of icebergs have congealed on my lashes. Gooey tears hang underneath.

You’re the only thing I have for sure, and I mean it.

And when questioned by you all,
I hope I last, sliding, slicing all the slivers
of a heart that has,  since the womb,
been a heart of givers.

Deliver us from evil, thy kingdom, my pride
and lead us not into the room where truth will hide.
They have blind ignorance, as most do, I presume,
but there is something, in you, I’d like to confide.

I am alive.
When I live for my own cause and cost,
though you may consider my dreams unworthy, my willpower lost.
A tiny idea, that began as a flavor
has risen to the taste, thus I have no savior.

I wrote about ten resolutions before I realized the futility of it all. It’s not that I won’t do those things, but that listing and numbering won’t get me closer to fulfilling them.

The realization hit me: it’s all just a mindset. A state of being, a piece of our mind. That’s why resolutions fail. It’s not that they are improbable or impossible, or that whoever sets them is incapable of their fulfillment. It’s that the goal is set, the idealism peaks, and then what we know as reality kicks in. If you change that reality, you change the way it all turns out for you.

Everything that comes to you, has fallen into place partly by accident and partly by the energy you’ve wrapped it with.

I know many people will tell you, “everything happens for a reason.” I really disagree, but at the same time, I don’t care if it does or not. The truth being “everything happens.” That’s it. There is no magical science. You’re predictions and calculation and karma don’t matter if you expect it. There is no formula for your happiness. So for this New Year, I will build my own path, make my own way.

So many times we are lost in the past. Relieving and regrieving. Mistaking what could have been for what could still be. Punishing ourselves for the life we didn’t live, life we aren’t living.

The books are unfolding like morning flower’s, new as dew. The pages tell of epic battles you’re sure to win if only the right thing is set to the tune of inspiration.In the movies, they tell us what elements of our lives will make us victorious.

Yet I shove my hand in the face of the expected. I have rejected, I have been rejected, but I have let love leak into all the corners where vengeance used to hide.

I will say “fuck you” to my vindictive nature. I will not punish myself for being curious, but I will not dabble in other’s lives. I have enough of my own to live.

Every time I’m lost in myself, I’ll let it go. I’ll meditate more, with or without purpose. I’ll give myself time to breathe, instead of trying to figure everything out by worrying about it.

I’ll be kinder. I’ll smile when I don’t feel like it. I’ll pay it forward, I won’t count my debts. I won’t let pride get in the way of a due apology. I’ll realize the value of anyone’s opinion, disagree nobly, but speak my mind as usual.

I’ll love more than I know how to. Realize my effect on people. Come to terms with the way I feel about myself without having to analyze it.

I’ll consider this year’s resolution, next year and the year after next, and far longer than that because if I don’t, it’s just a to-do list.

Make peace and love and harmony and sense. 2009.

And if this year I am to flow like water through the earth or follow the order humanity has constructed for me, so it is. My resolution will not be less resolved.

In Article 16, the following phrases are clearly found,

“1) Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution.

(2) Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses.

(3) The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.”

…You mean…to tell me that the United States, as well as several other countries, have yet to honor and uphold a 1948 doctrine that they had a large part in drafting? Let’s examine this more closely, shall we?

“Men and women of full age”: This does not say, “A man and a woman of full age” or any construction thereof, in black and white it essentially says [People] have the right to marry.”

Additionally, if you were to argue that this is the case, saying the “one man/one woman” idea of marriage is suggested here, the document goes on to add “without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion.” This eliminates that concept as that construct of marriage is based religiously in certain cases.

It is undeniable that not anyone country is completely upholding any one of the articles in this document. It just seems starkly evident that the United States does nothing but digress given that these articles were scribed over 60 years ago.

Over history, our nation and our states have  denied several ethnic, religious, and otherwise “unfit” pairs of individuals their legal, civil right to marital status. This is absurd.

I can attempt to appeal to your fear. The government already has so much unquestioned (because most citizens are either too disillusioned or too meek to question it) power allocated to our lives. This is inevitable as it is the design of a government to provide order and hopefully justice to its people. Through censorship, propaganda, and intolerance the public was lead to negative connotations about several issues resulting in their banning i.e. abortion, marijuana, and now homosexual marriage. By denying one group of people their civil rights, YOUR RIGHTS ARE BEING COMPROMISED. Yes, you believe you are upholding your religious, moral, economic standards by supporting the downfall of the union between too “fags”, but in reality you’re weakening yours because you’re handing one more very personal, very private aspect of relationships to the government. I won’t take long until the government decides who YOU can marry.

If you’re still with me, consider these things.

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women.
(Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

B. Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives.
(II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed.
(Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden.
(Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce.
(Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother’s widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law.
(Gen 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female.
(Gen 19:31-36)

Obviously” G.” paraphrases, but this is the literal extent of the biblical marriage concept. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT repeatedly hide behind the Bible as a reason for “accepting but not supporting gays.” The reality is, if we played by your rules, you’d most likely fall under some chapter of the Bible that takes your rights away too. You can’t just pick and choose, or disregard the Old Testament.

There is an 80 percent divorce rate in this country, obviously the average person fails to see the sanctity surrounding marriage. So why not? That, I suppose, is my main question. Two men or two women  married may make you a little uncomfy, but they will most likely have fought so much harder and in turn, appreciate their marriage so much more than those who it is merely taken advantage of and handed to.

I could write for hours. This is one issue where I really cannot see the other sides point of view. It is something I will support up until my wedding day and long after. In my lifetime, I will fight to change it.

Because everyone has that one relationship that made them feel like gold at some point, but somehow tarnished. The prolonged inevitable. This song not only “sounds pretty” but it is also phenomenal lyrically. Simple text for a complicated scenario.

Is There a Ghost?- Band of Horses

“I could sleep when I lived alone. Is there a ghost in my house? “

If you’ve never heard the song, yes, that is the entire lyric. It’s borderline ridiculous because of how potent a song can be with or without having to be paired with lots of diction. I remember listening to this song, music waves trailing melancholy brainwaves late at night. It’s that kind of song. In two sentences, it remarks on our concept of loneliness. Are we alone when we think we are? Who is among us trailing behind our thoughts?

Oh Comely- Neutral Milk Hotel

In stark contrast to the previous song, “Oh, Comely” is chock-full of lyrics, about eight minutes and seventeen seconds of them. I’ve memorized ever single one out of listening to it so many times. This song has some of the most beautiful imagery and description that I have ever heard of in any format. Crazy alliteration of “s” in certain stanzas make the song so whispery and light. We all know Jeff Mangum may sound like he can’t sing a damn to some people (myself excluded), but in this song, it really doesn’t matter. Touching, beautiful, and shaking, this song is likely to be one of my favorite songs for my lifetime.

Recycled Air- the Postal Service

Truly experiencing this song comes two-part: first in those early moments of drifting, swirling sleep, and second, 20,000 feet above the Earth looking down at landscapes from a plane. This may be the most relaxing song I’ve ever heard, without being irritatingly elevator-like. There’s not a lot to the song musically, but that’s purposeful. Definitely my lullaby or one of them.

Split Needles- the Shins

A lot of my attraction to this song is in the beat, followed by the melody, but it’s laced with a lot of cool allusions and concepts. The whole “Oedipus” mythology is addressed, the idea of being so forlorn and astonished by something that you’d cause yourself physical pain to alleviate it Additionally, “Himmler” is mentioned, bringing up the idea of cowardice being that Heinrich Himmler, appointed by Hitler to oversee a great deal of Nazi programs, committed suicide when surrendering to British forces. at any rate, this song is about a cynical guy pursuing a girl, but worried about corrupting her, and I like songs you have to think about.

Built then Burnt (Hurrah! Hurrah)- A Silver Mt. Zion

Any time of day or night this song will make me tear up, and give me shivers over every inch of my body. I cried for at least an hour when I first heard this song. Granted I realized it’s scary in a sense, that shrill passionate little child  speaking voice combined with slow, lingering violins , but the truth resonates so deeply with me. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, and most of all TRUE. Somehow a small boy’s speech completely devoid of melody can shake me to that point, and that’s incredibly powerful.

This is for Keeps- the Spill Canvas

Everything is good about this song. It’s about being dangerously in love, it has a pretty melody, and it’s an extended vampire metaphor. Hello.

Funeral Dress- William Fitzsimmons

If you haven’t felt anything like what he’s singing about, you have by the time the song is over. William Fitzsimmons has one of the most amazing voices I’ve ever listened to. Something about it is so gripping, to the point he can draw you into any emotion he sings for and about without being generic. This song always makes me upset and I never care because it’s incredible music. William Fitzimmon’s talent is bigger than his beard.

Us- Regina Spektor

Regina is an incredible songwriter, pianist, and character. Her songs always seem to play into some kind of understood truth that she spins into something either borderline cynical or incredibly touching. I love this song because it suggests that love manifests itself even as time moves along around it. Lines like the one comparing new things to “slave labor you can keep” are the reason I could have picked nearly any one of her songs as my favorite, but this one really stands out.

Motorcycle Drive-By- Third Eye blind

Ah, the simple joys of wanting something you can’t attain, of running in circles. I think almost anyone can relate to it. I love it ’cause I do, and that’s that. “I’ve never been so alone, and I’ve never been so alive.” Damn straight.

I could smother her.

I try to be positive always, but at some point, I really wouldn’t give a damn if you projectile vomitted your “love” through your nose.
Damn, kids these days.

This noise makes is unbearable hard to be anything but irritated and obscene.

Now I lay me down to sleep…in the living room.

It’s the memories, you know? It’s the fear of replacement. The constant being tested by the everyday. It’s staying up all night because the wheels won’t stop turning. You hear tires shedding skin on the pavement outside, peel out 4:44am.

I don’t know what sets me off. I’m so mad. It’s not hormones or situations or irrationality.
It’s futility. The friends you think you have, the job you think you need, the money you never seem to be able to come up with.

I try to look torwards serenity, but sometimes elegant china shatters, spewing it’s ceramic vomit on the brand new carpet. A complete loss of character, charisma, shadow.
I write and write sometimes, but I don’t know what I’m saying.
I talk and talk, but I ain’t sayin’ a thing.
I’m gyroscopic. Looking for the right angle, trying to determine my place, my when, my how, my why? Why? Why?! WHY?!
I’m kaleidoscopic, fragments shaking in their boots, thrashing around in a circle, rearranging.

I’m transient, I’m making plans for things that’ll never pan out they way I think is best. I’m wandering. I’m ever-changing, ever-escaping, never frozen in a moment long enough to make sense of it.
If only you could see how fast I’m typing right now. If only you could see me now. If only you knew me now. If only you ever knew me.

I wonder, would Alaska split in two?

Defined by fear. Refined by nothing.

I feel ashamed to have slipped into that trap from time to time. But what is shame compared to human nature? I cannot combat it. Only elucidate the idea that I am human.

I imagined that it might be 1:43 am and I rose my phone from under the sheets to confirm it. It was, but quickly the digital shifts to 1:44am. That’s what it is, it’s having the perception and letting it wash through you, but remembering it when it becomes unsustainable.

If you are free by someone else’s standards, you’re bound tighter than anyone but you can unbind.

Live by the book, and you will be easily read.

We deplete you, are sublime.
We have stood the test of time.
Question our methods?
We are of dreams.
Floating in and out of consciousness.
Excuses by nightfall,
escort to reason and later, emptiness.
We are primeval vitality.
Manifest destiny, artistic.
primitive and animalistic
Narcisistic, egotistic.
Our methods? Chiefly ballistic.
We will not suffer splendor to live!
Replace this botany with gluttony,
or the sun will not rise again!
Insatiated thirst
destroying our best
by way of our worst.